I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
