Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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