Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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