He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
