I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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