I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
