I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
