Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
