my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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