you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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