just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize