I hope my margaritas pass through security.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
