I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Are my feet made of real feet?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
