She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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