i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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