Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
