when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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