Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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