I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
