My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
