Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
