god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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