Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize