I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize