my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
