I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
