I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
