is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
