how hairy? two words: wookie tits
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
