My balls are so social today.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
