I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize