i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
