how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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