Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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