I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
