i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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