man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
