You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i already hear my dad disowning me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
you never un-have a 4some
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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