Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
