I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
