Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
