U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
