i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
