cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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