my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
