So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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