Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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