DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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