i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you're hired as official boob wrangler
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
