My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize