i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
