If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Randomize
