I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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