I'm going to jail i love you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
