your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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