So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're like the curious george of whores
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
