You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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