dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
